Today's Sermon

Gather 'round my brethren, for I am here today to tell you of the greatest threat facing our beliefs today. Yes, I'm talkin' 'bout REASON! Now, before y'all get all worked up, lemme just spell out a thing or two.

Now, those us us who are cozy in the sweet embrace of our lord Jesus Christ™ know that four thousand years after God's creation of the Earth and the heavens, God went and knocked up a virgin girl with his own personal seed. She birthed a boy and after thirty or so years of doing stuff (we don't know what), that son went and got himself nailed to a tree by the people who control Hollywood. After he was dead, he done rose up from the grave and flew up to Heaven to be with his other daddy (just 'cause Jesus had two daddies, that don't mean anyone else can). Now, we know this is fact, 'cause the Bible done told us so.

Now, if we wanna go to Heaven and sit with Jesus™, we gots to get borned again and eat his body and drink his blood, but that don't make us cannibals or even just barnyard crazy. This makes us Saved™ and that means we're better than everyone else and we're obliged to tell them so. It also means that it is our holy duty to go out in our communities and even other countries and share the Good News, even if we gotta do it by brute force and torture, so that everyone will know about God's Holy Love. If they still don't wanna believe, we gotta steal their children, rape the women and burn the villages until they all believe in the glory of God's Holy Love. It's the Christian thing to do.

Let's get hippo-thetical here for a minute: Let's say you go to a place and the folks there tell you that their god(s) is older than Jesus™. They tell you that their system of belief is older than yours and they gots "scientific data" to prove it. Well, we all know that science is the work of the Devil, and we don't truck with no Devil work. They try to tell you that their holidays was stolen by the Christians and that Christmas ain't even the birthday of our beloved baby Jesus™, it's actually the Winter Solstice or some such nonsense. And then they commit further blasphemy by tellin' y'all that Easter used to be a fertility festival, which explains all the bunnies and eggs and whatnot. Brethren, it is a Christian FACT that Easter is the day Jesus™ went all zombie and he was so hungry he done et up all the bunnies and eggs that was brought to him 'cause it's only in Devil movies that zombies wanna eat brains.

The worst of all heathens will ask how it's possible that all of humanity sprung from the loins of one man, one woman and their son. Look around you, and you can see that keepin' it in the family works, although we don't really want most of the offspring driving the school bus.

Brothers and sisters, these are all LIES. So what if biblical scholars agree that Jesus was prob'ly borned in spring or summer? So what if there is quantifiable evidence of the existence of thousands of gods waaaay before ours? Who cares that no one can vouch for three decades of the life of our most holy Lord and Savior? Just because I cain't reckon a boat that could carry two of every species of animal that ever was, including over four hunnerd and fifty thousand species of beetle, that don't mean it didn't happen!

And now, I'm hearin' more and more talk about them nasty Atheists. These creatures, these Hellspawn, they actually make their decisions based on such anti-Christian things as science, logic and reason. REASON! They won't believe nothin' what don't make actual sense! They ain't content to believe to what an untrained, uneducated zealot like myself interprets from an archaic, superstitious book of fairy tales like our Holy Bible! They wanna actually unnerstand things for theyselves without someone tellin' them to believe outta blind faith and that, brothers and sisters, is the scariest thing of all.

Why, if these people had their way, they'd want all of us, all of YOU to think for ourselves and I can tell you, that don't lead to nothin' good. Nothin' good for me, anyway. If y'all went out on your own and thought for yourselves, then you wouldn't need church and you wouldn't need me. You wouldn't be scared and if you ain't scared you ain't fillin' my pews and my tithe bucket. If you ain't filling my tithe bucket, then I gotta get me a real job and I can tell you right now, that ain't gonna happen.

Brothers and sisters, for the love of God and my own personal ego, stay stupid. Stay scared. I sure as Hell am.